Patience

     Last week, we concluded that mindfulness is not a contradiction to happiness or contentment. A mindful person who becomes aware of his faults can remain calm and at ease through developing menuchas hanefesh. That is, menuchas hanefesh is not only relevant in mili d'alma (worldly matters); it is equally applicable in mili d'shmaya (spiritual matters). I'd like to illustrate this with an example that the Cheshbon Hanefesh uses when discussing menuchas hanefesh. Among other irritating situations which can be dispelled with menuchas hanefesh, he mentions one who's furniture was moved from its proper place. What is ironic about this example is that Chapter 3 of the book is dedicated to the topic of seder, orderliness. Its' summary sentence is, "All your actions and possessions should be orderly- each and every one in a set place and a set time..." Even when ones' work on middos, a spiritual matter, in this case seder, is disturbed, he should retain his menuchas hanefesh.

     There is another step to this. I mentioned in an earlier post that menuchas hanefesh is not merely a safety mechanism; it is a state of being. One maintains a constant state of calm. However, it can be difficult to be at peace, because one is always consumed with trying to fix his faults, albeit calmly. This is the basis of this weeks' post; savlanus. Normally, when people encounter this middah, it is in terms of others. Savlanus means patience, and we ought to train ourselves to be more forgiving of others' shortcomings. Now, while this is certainly a noble endeavor to undertake, there is, I believe, an even more important aspect of this middah to emphasize and put great effort into. That is, patience for oneself. We have to be more tolerant of our failings and inadequacies. This, of course, is not to be taken flippantly. Allow me to explain. How often do we kick ourselves for not being great ? Great listeners, great learners, great daveners, great parents, great children. Why must we be so hard on ourselves ? Why is it, that, for total strangers we'll have so much patience and empathy, but for our own selves, so little ? Surely, there is an imbalance here. Can't we cut ourselves some slack, too ?
   
     The Cheshbon Hanefesh writes in Chapter 2, " When something bad happens to you, that wasn't in your hands to avoid, do not aggravate the situation through wasted grief ". An example that he gives is, someone who regrets entering a business, saying, " Had I only not entered that business, this would not have occurred ". This is wasted grief because there is nothing positive that can result from it. In addition, he wasn't careless; he made a mistake! It is absurd to harp on one's every infraction. As a matter of fact, it stems from false anavah and tremendous ga'avah. Why would a sensible person think that he is supposed to be amazing in so many areas, often with very limited effort ? This is true even in seemingly easy and basic things. We must realize that avodah is much harder than what meets the eye. If one finds it difficult to wake up for davening, he shouldn't berate himself for not keeping with such a fundamental part of Judaism. Rather, he should understand that there is a war between his nefesh hamaskeles and nefesh habahamis. It's a lot deeper than just being tired or not interested.  Of course you don't win every battle. He beats himself up, thinking, "Why can't I just be a normal human being that does what he is supposed to ?" This is a very difficult area for him. G-d understands this much better than we do. We spend too much time being judgmental instead of being forgiving. Without this, it won't work.   Certainly, there is a time for regret, that is, constructive regret. Take teshuvah, say. That is constructive regret. Such regret enables. Remorse that paralyzes a person is destructive. It disables. There is never place for such incapacitating remorse. It is just a  guilty conscience. It's simply a waste of energy. There is nothing real there.

     Hashem didn't create us to be angels. We aren't perfect, nor are we meant to be. We just have to do our best. This is not a "cheesy" concept; it is based solely on pure, rational thinking. We can not do better than our talents and characters allow. Thoughts of incompetence and spiritual ineptness are debilitating. We are capable of so much; let's not get bogged down by the small defeats. Instead, concentrate on the small triumphs. And, perhaps, when we become more patient with ourselves, we will be more patient with others.